Severe violence between siblings

Violence between siblings refers to violence committed by one child against another child. The perpetrator may be a biological sibling, a half-sibling, or a child in another type of sibling relationship. Violence between siblings can be physical, psychological or sexual.

This is not ordinary sibling squabbling, but a serious form of family violence which, according to research, may even be the most common form of family violence. For example, the Youth Crime Survey (2024) found that siblings were most commonly the perpetrators of physical violence against young people.

It is important to recognise when conflict between siblings crosses a normal boundary and becomes violence. If a sibling’s behaviour causes fear or a constant sense of insecurity, it is no longer harmless arguing – it is violence.

Severe violence between siblings does not belong in a healthy sibling relationship or in everyday life in a family with children. Early intervention, open discussion and seeking help can prevent escalation and support recovery for both the victim and the child who has used violence.

Violence can take many forms

Physical sibling violence may include hitting, kicking, pushing, choking, or causing harm with objects. Damaging a sibling’s belongings or, for example, harming a family pet may also be used as a form of violence. Read more: onksok.fi

Emotional or psychological violence may involve persistent name-calling, insults, humiliation, threats, or deliberately excluding and isolating someone.

Sometimes a sibling may also control or dominate another, for example by blackmailing them with secrets or spreading lies to damage their reputation.

Sexual sibling violence is less common than other forms, but it does occur. It may include pressuring or forcing a sibling into sexual acts, such as inappropriate touching or being made to show genitals.

Even “playful” physical domination by an older sibling (for example, forcibly holding a younger sibling still or rough play that goes too far) can feel frightening and painful to the victim.

It is violence whenever one of the children in the family is afraid of their sibling or repeatedly suffers due to the other’s behaviour. In such cases, interaction between siblings no longer teaches either child – it harms. In severe sibling violence, the violence is often directed at only one sibling, and the perpetrator may deliberately use opportunities to hurt them. Read more: MTV Uutiset: This is not talked about: violence between siblings is very common – and it causes serious harm

This kind of one-sided, ongoing domination can be compared to bullying at school – but it happens within the walls of the home. A child who has experienced violence may feel intense shame or guilt and therefore hide the abuse from parents and other adults. As a result, the violence may continue for a long time without outsiders recognising how serious the situation is.

Why must violence between siblings be addressed?

No child should be harmed, and this self-evident rule also applies to siblings. Every child has the right to feel safe in their own home. Violence between siblings should therefore not be dismissed as “normal fighting”.

If it continues, sibling violence harms both the victim and the whole family.

Violence by a sibling undermines a child’s self-esteem and basic sense of safety – home no longer feels like a safe place. If a child is left without help, they may carry fear and shame into adulthood.

At worst, violence can lead to serious physical injuries or psychological breakdown. Experiencing violence in childhood can affect later life: research suggests that people who have been targeted by sibling violence have a higher risk of later being bullied or ending up in a violent relationship, for example in dating relationships.

A child who has used violence may, in turn, have difficulties with emotion regulation and an increased risk of continuing violent behaviour in other relationships.

By law, parents have a duty to protect a child from violence.

By law, parents have a duty to protect a child from violence. Assault committed by a sibling is an assault offence in the same way as if it were committed by anyone else – age does not give anyone the right to harm another person. A child’s right to safety is set out, among other instruments, in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, and the Child Welfare Act obliges authorities to intervene if parents are unable to ensure the child’s safety.

Intervening in sibling violence is necessary to protect the victim from physical and psychological harm and to safeguard the wellbeing of the whole family.

How to recognise and prevent violence between siblings

For parents, recognising violence between siblings is not always easy. Siblings arguing can often be part of normal development. However, it is useful to pay attention to a few signs that may indicate a more serious situation:

Does physical or emotional harm occur repeatedly? Occasional arguments are common, but an ongoing pattern where the same sibling always dominates the other is a serious warning sign.
Is there a clear victim and perpetrator? If one child is always the instigator and the other always the one who suffers, the situation is not a fair quarrel but an exercise of power.
Is the victim afraid of or avoiding their sibling? Reluctance to be alone with the sibling, withdrawal, anxiety, or unexplained physical injuries (bruises, scratches) may point to violence.
Does the aggressive sibling minimise the impact of their actions? Repeated explanations such as “it was just a game” or “it was their fault for provoking me” may conceal violence.
Are there behavioural problems outside the home as well? A child who uses sibling violence may sometimes behave aggressively toward friends or others at school, but not always. Good behaviour elsewhere does not mean there cannot be problems at home.

Prevention is always better than escalation. Parents can try to prevent conflicts between siblings from turning violent in many ways, as described for example on the Mannerheim League for Child Welfare website.

If needed, it is worth seeking help early to calm the situation. Family counselling services, parenting guidance services and, for example, the Mannerheim League for Child Welfare’s counselling phone line can help already when conflicts start to cause concern.

How to intervene in violence between siblings – practical guidance

If you are a parent or an adult who notices violence between siblings:

Take the situation seriously. Believe the child’s account or your own concern – do not blame the victim and do not minimise it (“don’t mind it, your sibling is just being moody”). Make it clear that violence is wrong.
Secure the victim’s wellbeing first. Separate the children. If necessary, give the victim physical and emotional protection, for example by keeping them close and calming them down. Make sure the violence cannot continue again immediately.
Talk calmly with each child separately. It is important for the victim to hear that they are not to blame for what happened and that you want to help. With the child who used violence, try to understand what feelings or situations are behind the violence. Stay calm but firm: make it clear that hurting someone is not an acceptable way to respond to any feeling.
Look for solutions, not someone to blame. There can be many factors behind sibling violence (jealousy, frustration, mental health difficulties, neurodivergent traits, learned violent patterns, and so on). Not all causes will be clear immediately. The most important thing is to break the cycle of violence and prevent new incidents. Plan together: How could the sibling act next time instead of hitting when they get angry? How can you ensure the victim always has a way to get help?
Seek help from authorities if the situation repeats or is severe. If violence between siblings continues despite interventions, or if it has caused significant injuries or trauma, contact child welfare services. Child welfare can refer your family to services such as family therapy or other support and, if necessary, arrange safety for the victim. Do not be afraid to contact child welfare – their task is to help your family. In serious assault situations, contact the police. The police and other authorities can assess criminal justice measures and protective measures (for example a restraining order, if the perpetrator is an older sibling who does not live at home).
In an emergency, always call 112.

If you are a child or young person being abused by a sibling

Tell a trusted adult. Do not stay alone with the situation. Tell a parent, grandparent, teacher, school counsellor, school social worker, nurse, or another safe adult what is happening at home. If the first adult does not take you seriously, tell another – someone will believe you and help. Read more: Is it OK that a sibling hurts you?
Seek help and support for yourself. You can call the Children’s and Young People’s Phone or chat anonymously online (for example via RIKUchat (in Finnish) or Nettiturvakoti chat). Professionals can advise and listen.
Try to get to safety. If a sibling attacks you, try to stay calm and leave as soon as you can. Go to another family member or lock yourself in the bathroom and call for help. In an emergency, call 112.
Protect your boundaries. You have the right to say no. Say firmly: “don’t do that, it hurts” or “stop, I’m scared of you”. If you can, avoid being alone with a violent sibling.

Where can you get help?

Ending violence between siblings may require support and help from outside the family:

Family counselling services: Municipal family counselling services provide help when there are concerns related to children’s growth and development. Conflicts and violence between siblings are exactly the kind of issue for which you can seek counselling. Family counselling may meet the family together and separately, provide parenting guidance for parents, and support children in processing emotions.
Child welfare services: If the violence is severe or continues despite attempts to intervene, it is important to contact child welfare services. Child welfare professionals assess the situation and take necessary measures to protect the child. Help can be requested by calling your municipality’s child welfare on-call number.
The Federation of Mother and Child Homes and Shelters and Nettiturvakoti: The Nettiturvakoti website, maintained by the Federation, provides information and chat services for people affected by family violence. If needed, a parent and children may also seek shelter services if it is not otherwise safe to stay at home due to violence.
Police: In acute situations and if there is a risk of danger, call 112 immediately. The police can come to calm the situation. You can also contact the police afterwards by making a police report about assault. Offences committed by minors rarely proceed all the way through the criminal justice process, but a report can lead to necessary measures such as contact with child welfare services and assessment of the situation. If the perpetrator is above the age of criminal responsibility (15 years) or especially if the violence is committed by an adult sibling, involving the police is important to stop the violence and prevent further incidents.
Victim Support Finland (RIKU): The Victim Support Finland 116 006 phone service and RIKUchat support all victims of violent crime and their loved ones, including children and young people. You can talk about your situation, get information about legal options, and receive support for coping.

Support is available both for the victim and for the child who has used violence, so that the cycle can be broken and the family can recover.

Violence between adult siblings

Violence between siblings is most often associated with childhood and adolescence, but it can also occur between adult siblings. If there has been severe sibling violence in childhood, it may in some cases continue in some form into adulthood (Jyläskoski: Sibling, child and victim of violence. Master’s thesis 2023).

Often the violence ends when the perpetrator moves out of the family home, but unfortunately not all sibling relationships improve over time. As adults, siblings may no longer live under the same roof, but they may still be in contact.

Violence between adult siblings may include repeated fighting, threatening behaviour at family gatherings, economic exploitation (e.g. taking shared funds, extortion), or intense psychological pressure and abusive messages. An adult sibling may also control or dominate their brother or sister.

Violence between siblings in adulthood can evoke many feelings: anger, sadness, shame about the family situation.

As adults, siblings are no longer protected by childhood hierarchies or a social idea that “rough play is normal” – every adult is a full individual protected by law from violence. Assault committed by an adult sibling is a crime in the same way as if it were committed by anyone else.

In practice, assaults between adult siblings come to the attention of the police less often than, for example, intimate partner violence, but they do occur: in Finland, hundreds of cases of violence between siblings are recorded in police statistics each year, and the majority involve adult siblings.

As an adult, you have the right to set boundaries also with a sibling. If your adult sibling assaults, threatens or stalks you, it is important to seek help and protection.

You can contact the police and make a police report, or apply for a restraining order if you feel under ongoing threat. Tell other loved ones about the situation as well.

Victim Support Finland and other victim support services also help adults who have experienced sibling violence. You can receive counselling, information about your rights and, if needed, support in legal proceedings. Crisis helplines and therapy services may also be available if you experience anxiety or trauma due to your sibling relationship.

The text is partly based on Auri Tyyskä’s thesis on violence between siblings and an article based on it in RIKU magazine (3/2018).