Dynamics of an Abusive Relationship

In an abusive intimate relationship, there is an imbalance of power between partners or individuals. This means that one person has unjustified control or influence over the other, for example, in making decisions on their behalf. Often this imbalance develops gradually over the course of the relationship and may begin with seemingly minor actions.

Over time, these actions are repeated and become more serious. Increasingly severe abuse and controlling behaviour become part of both the relationship and the victim’s and perpetrator’s understanding of what a normal intimate relationship is. This process is known as the normalization of abuse.

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The Cycle of Abuse

A recurring pattern has been identified in intimate partner violence, particularly in romantic relationships. This pattern is often referred to as the cycle of abuse.

Stage 1: Abusive Incident

The cycle can be described as starting with an abusive incident, such as physical assault, aggressive outburst, destruction of property, or threats to kill. During this stage, tension that has been building up is released.

Interim Stage: Fear

This stage is followed by the victim’s experience of fear, pain, and distress. It is often followed by the perpetrator attempting to make amends and justify their behaviour.

Making amends may involve repeated apologies and promises to change. Justification, on the other hand, may take the form of blaming the victim, their actions, or outside circumstances. As a result, the victim often begins to blame themselves for the abuse, make excuses for it, and strengthens their belief that the situation can improve.

Stage 2: Reconciliation

This is followed by the reconciliation stage, during which no abuse occurs, or it becomes significantly less severe. The victim’s belief in the possibility of change grows stronger, and feelings of love and attachment deepen.

The reconciliation stage is particularly important in maintaining an abusive relationship, especially in its early stages. It reinforces the victim’s belief that the perpetrator can change and that the abuse may stop. As a result, the relationship comes to include more than just abuse. It strengthens the victim’s feelings of love, attachment, and commitment towards the perpetrator.

Interim Stage: Tension Builds

Over time, tension begins to build again, and the victim starts to fear another abusive outburst. Daily life revolves around the perpetrator’s moods, and the victim may feel as though they are “walking on eggshells”. The sense of threat increases, and the atmosphere becomes increasingly tense.

Stage 3: The Cycle Begins from the Start

The cycle then returns to the beginning with another abusive incident.

Even between incidents, there is often abuse that is more difficult to recognise, such as manipulation and coercion. In controlling relationships, control is usually present at all times, although physical violence may follow the stages of the cycle more clearly. The periods between violent incidents are therefore not necessarily free from abuse. Instead, abuse continues to affect everyday life in one way or another.

The Cycle of Abuse Intensifies Over Time

A typical feature of the cycle of abuse is that it becomes shorter and more intense as the relationship progresses. The different stages last for less time, and abusive incidents occur more frequently. In some cases, certain stages, such as the reconciliation stage, may disappear altogether. However, acts of reconciliation may return in certain situations, for example if the victim tries to leave the relationship.

Another common feature is that repeated abuse becomes normalized. In other words, it may begin to seem normal, acceptable, or ordinary. Abuse also typically becomes more severe over time, particularly as commitment within the relationship increases. For example, moving in together, becoming pregnant, or getting married may lead to an escalation of abuse.

Dynamics of an Abusive Relationship

The Cycle of Abuse

Read more about domestic violence