Leaving an Abusive Relationship

“Why doesn’t the person just leave?” is a question that often comes up in discussions about intimate partner violence.

It is common for leaving an abusive relationship to require several attempts. A person may return to the relationship after leaving before eventually ending it for good. There are often many psychological and practical factors that make it difficult to leave permanently.

Some common reasons include:

• An abusive relationship is usually about more than just abuse. There are often feelings of attachment, love, shared experiences, and positive memories.
• When abuse continues over a long period of time, it often becomes normalised. It may start to feel normal or unavoidable, making it difficult to imagine a different kind of life or relationship.
• Shared practical responsibilities, such as a home, a social circle, or children, can make leaving more difficult.
• Concerns about health, finances, or coping alone can also affect a person’s ability to leave the relationship.
• As a result of long-term emotional abuse, a person may no longer trust their own judgement. Their sense of self-worth may be extremely low.
• They may feel deep hopelessness and find it difficult to believe that change is possible. The idea of managing on their own can feel overwhelming.
• The abusive relationship may be the person’s only close relationship. Despite the harm it causes, remaining in the relationship may seem preferable to being alone.
• The time, effort, and emotional investment put into the relationship and attempts to improve it can make leaving feel like giving up. Hope for change can keep a person emotionally tied to the relationship.
• Pressure from family members, friends, or a wider community may also influence a person’s decision to stay.
• Sometimes there is a fear that the abuse will become worse if they leave. The perpetrator may have used threats or blackmail, such as threatening to take the children away, share intimate photos, harm the victim, or take their own life.

People who have experienced abuse often need support from others when leaving an abusive relationship and rebuilding their lives afterward.

Read more about domestic violence

• Domestic violence can affect everyone
• Dynamics of an Abusive Relationship
  • Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
• Experiencing Violence and Abuse in a Close Relationship
  • Traumatic Crisis of Domestic Abuse
  • Children and Adolescents as Victims of Domestic Violence
• Forms of Violence and Abuse in Close Relationships
  • Emotional Abuse in Close Relationships
  • Physical Violence in an Intimate Relationship
  • Sexual Violence in Close Relationships
  • Digital Abuse in Close Relationships
  • Coercive Control in Close Relationships
  • Economic Abuse in Close Relationships
  • Honour Based Abuse in Close Relationships
  • Spiritual or Religious Abuse in an Intimate Relationship
  • Post-Separation Abuse and Stalking in Close Relationships
• Considering Safety in Situations Involving Domestic Violence and Abuse
  • Advice for Those Supporting a Victim of Domestic Abuse
• Recovering from Abuse and Violence